Cosmic Pretzel

My husband used to say I was a walking idiosyncrasy — it feels like I am a cosmic pretzel — meaning I can be dead-serious and pragmatic, and  full of curiosity and childlike wonder about the world around me.

I love to fly by the seat of my pants… but if I don’t have structure, I fly all over the place.

I never fully fit into the business crowd, although I’ve owned several successful businesses in the past, certainly not the corporate crowd, or even fully fit into the spiritual crowd (although I love a good psychic reading, and my home is filled with all kinds of “magical” things). Energy and intuition certainly couldn’t be discussed anywhere I needed to be taken seriously.

I am not, however, a “just believe it” person.

I’m more of an

“I’ll believe it when I see it… and then I still don’t always believe it”

type of person.

I need to know why. I need to know how. I need to know what makes it work. Which is kind of funny for someone who considers herself highly sensitive and empathic — and it’s probably why I didn’t fully embrace that side of myself for a long time. 

I love the spiritual world, and all the tools of the trade, I will never be a monk or a yogi. I’m too loud. I talk too much, and am prone to fits of laughter that leave me unable to talk at some unseen movie playing in my head.  Kind of throws a wrinkle into the, “Hey, I’m stable and I’m here to support you,” persona of a spiritual leader.

To make matters more confusing, I love nothing more than kick-ass hair and makeup, a crisp white button-down shirt, jeans, and a pair of heels. You would never know I’m “spiritual” unless you noticed the jewelry I wear and you talked to me for more than 15 minutes.

So yeah - I’m all of those things: Logical/Intelligent and Mystical/Emotional. 

Things can get messy when I assume that everyone else knows they are both too, and part of the reason that people think I’m “weird”. 

Years ago, when I came back from my first aromatherapy training, I was so excited to share what I had learned with my clients, which, unfortunately, got really messy, really fast. 

Turns out, 30 years ago, when I started this whole journey, energy and intuition scared other people.  One client said that I was a blasphemer and a Satanist.  I must have had the look of a deer in the headlights as I thought to myself,

“Vert the Ferk are you talking about?”  

I am talking about the science behind aromatherapy – what does that have to do with worshipping the devil and badmouthing God?  Trying to convince them there was nothing scary about it and that it’s perfectly normal was like trying to convince a nun that prostitution is the way to go. 

So, I studied alone, and I stayed split.

Spiritual over here.
Logic over there.
Me, standing in the middle, trying to make it all fit, looking for a different puzzle, or a bigger container. 

At some point along the way, I realized I’m my own tribe and didn’t have to make any of it “fit.”  I don’t need a container at all - a more precise filter, maybe – but not a container.  That’s when I stopped buying into the idea that I have to be either/or.

Even though I don’t fully belong to one group, I can relate to a lot of different types of people because of my diverse life experiences. I can borrow wisdom from science. I can borrow meaning from symbolism. I can borrow strength from practice. I can borrow courage from the unseen.

I have learned that there is no magic potion.
There is no magic wand.
There is no knight in shining armor.

The magic is me — not in me. It IS me and there’s a whole lot of cosmic fun and adventure in that realization.

And that in turn brings me a profound sense of peace and belonging.

And if it all turns out to be some big cosmic hoax?

At least it made my time here on Earth a little more fun.

☮️Paula

“May you Find Your ShiNe and spread your light wherever you go.”